Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
