Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
