Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
