I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
