i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
