and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Randomize
