then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
And then he peed in my hair
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
