My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
