just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize