Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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