i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
