i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
