Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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