Farmville is her only friend.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
