I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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