He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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