I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My first STD was from a foam party
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
