in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Panties = found
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
