Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
