Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
