in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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