My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
