someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize