I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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