Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
