What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
