im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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