My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
