my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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