so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
