My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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