I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
