Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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