Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
