So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
