It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
