If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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