Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
