I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
