I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
