what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
