Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize