Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
