He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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