We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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