i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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