why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
