hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
