y did u give ur computer a hand job?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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