I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
