omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
