Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
