Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
