There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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