my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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